To those who give a shit

(or It's not like anyone reads this shit anyway)

I recently hit a downward spiral of depression that seems to  come every year starting around my birthday and ending a little after new year's day.  It never fails that it hits hard and it hits deep.  The only plus it that it goes away before too long.  This year hasn't really been any different.

The only real difference the past couple of years is I have shared/subjected my depression with people I am friends with on Facebook.  A few of my friends understand and have tolerated it, but I think I will do everyone a favor and just remove everyone from my friend's list except my wife so that no one has to put up with the stupid shit I say on their posts and pics.  Only a couple of people noticed that I removed over half my friends a few weeks ago anyway so I doubt this will come as a real shock to those that I haven't removed so far.

Honestly, if you are still friends with me at this point, you are probably better off without my comments on your Facebook comments and pics as I tend to say some fucked up shit.  I theoretically could end up costing/preventing you a job or another friend.

I know a few people will be annoyed and try to add me back, but I hope they don't take it personally that I dropped them in the first place.  Like I said in the title, "It's not like anyone reads this shit anyway" so I really doubt anyone will read this or even notice what I end up doing.

I love you all and only wish the best for you.

I was smarter than my mom by age 8

or 

This is why you should never leave adults unsupervised.

 

My childhood was pretty cool and really messed up at times.  During the cool times, I was basically a normal kid playing with my friends and getting into trouble as young boys will do.  The messed up times were always related to some adult in my life making a really bad choice.  Sometimes the 2 would run together.  See the example below.

(This is almost exactly like the go kart I had as a kid.)

So my brother and I had an awesome aunt and uncle who bought us all sorts of cool toys.  One of which was a go kart.  The go kart had a top speed of 35 MPH.  (look at that picture again and imagine that going 35 MPH with no helmet or seat belt or anything.  Yes, it was fucking amazing.)  We kept it locked up and my aunt and uncle's house for the longest time.  During the summer when they were watching my brother and I while my mom was at work, they would let us take the go kart and drive it around their neighborhood.  It was awesome because there was no traffic in their neighborhood and there were lots of big hills and curvy roads.

Keep in mind we had the go kart from the time I was about 6 or 7 until I was about 9 or 10.  I can't remember exactly how old I was, but never the less, my 70 something year old aunt and uncle would let my brother and I drive a go kart down public streets when we were both still less than 10 years old and they thought this was perfectly fine and possibly a good idea.  (adults can be really stupid huh?)

So anyway, after about a year, my aunt and uncle started to restrict when we could use the go kart mainly because they got tired of having to go buy gas for the damn thing.  So of course we would sneak off with the key and take it out when ever we thought we could get away with it.  We always got in trouble afterwards, but for some reason they kept putting the key for the go kart and the pad lock it was chained up with in the exact same place.  Sometimes we would have to plot to get the keys.  Like one of us would go to the store with my aunt while the other one of us would stay at the house with my uncle and sneak off to steal the keys.

One day while I was staying at my mom's house and my brother was staying at my aunt and uncle's house, my brother stole the keys again because he was bored.  I don't know all the details as to what happened next, but the basic story is my brother went out riding around the neighborhood for a while and decided to go to his friend's house about 4 miles away.  On the way there, he got pulled over by the cops.  (yes, my 9 year old brother got pulled over by the cops.  At least I am pretty sure he was 9 because what happened concerning me happened while I was only 8.)

As a result of this, my mom and my aunt and uncle decided the go kart was no longer safe in their garage because my brother would just steal the keys again.  They decided to take the go kart to my mom's house instead.  (Keep in mind, I lived with my mom and my brother lived at my aunt and uncle's house.  Its a long story that's boring and sad at the same time.)

So the next weekend, my mom got a friend with a truck and they went and brought the go kart to my mom's house.  My mom decided that because the garage at her house was really easy to break into that she would just put the go kart in the living room until she could decide what to do with it.  I watched my mom and her friend spend the next 20-30 minutes struggling to get the go kart through the front door.  Once they were done, my mom rode with her friend back to his house which was about 25 minutes away.  Basically she would be gone for an hour.  I asked if I could get the go kart out if I could play with it and my mom said "Go for it." because she assumed there was no way I could get the thing out on my own considering the trouble they had getting it in.  She specifically told me I was not allowed to get any help.  (Great parenting there mom.)

After she had left, I went and turned the go kart around and walked it out the door with no problems because I watched and learned from the mistakes my mom had made.  (you remember those toys that people give babies with a star and a square that kids put inside of a ball?  matching shapes and stuff?  It seems my mom never played with one as a kid.)  I believe it took me all of 5 minutes to get the go kart outside and lock the front door to the house.

So I spent about the next 45 minutes driving all around my mom's neighborhood terrorizing all the loose dogs and making the other kids jealous because I had a go kart.  After a while I came around the corner of one block and saw my mom's car heading towards the house.  I took off like a bat out of hell to catch up and came to a screeching stop by whipping into a fish tail just as my mom parked her car.

Needless to say, she was PISSED and demanded to know who helped me get the go kart out of the house.  I told her no one had helped and she said she wanted to watch me put the go kart up all by myself.  This process took all of about 5 minutes because I kept bumping the hot engine with my arm.  When my mom watched me get the thing in the house, all she could say was "Mother fucker.  You have got to be kidding me."  She then took the key and hid it where I couldn't find it.

She would let me play with it every once in a while, but that ended quickly when I let my best friend drive it and like an idiot it crashed it into a fence post and bent the front end up to where you couldn't steer it very easily and the brake pedal wouldn't stay in place so you couldn't stop.

After that, it got locked up in the garage and eventually my mom sold it.  That was a sad day for me.

Dump Trucks and Banana Pudding wishes

With an opening like that I know you must be thinking this is going to be freaking AWESOME.  I know right?  I mean look at that dump truck and then think about the awesome taste of that banana pudding there.  You must be as excited as I am about now.

Well, disgust and disappointment begins now.  As cool as a dump truck filled with banana pudding would be, I don't have either of those base ingredients and I sure as hell don't have both of them put together.

This all started when a I told a friend of mine "You are getting sleepy" in a message and she sent back a message that said "I wish".   From there I asked "Do your wishes include a dump truck and banana pudding?"  Unfortunately she said no so at this time I am still with out a truck full of banana pudding to ride around in like a college frat party on wheels.

Now I guess it is time to move on to other wishes and see what comes to mind.

Quickmeme.  The death of creativity.

So a friend mentioned I could write a blog about the over use of quickmeme and being who I am, I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about.  Yes, I had to google "quickmeme" to figure it out.  Upon going to the home page, I immediately knew what she meant about the over use of this website.  Over the past few weeks, I have seen enough retarded pics on facebook to want to start choking people with their ethernet cables.

Its kinda funny at first, but it quickly does get very old.  When I have multiple friends post one of those "What my parents think I do.  What I think I do.  What I actually do." fucking memes about some of the stupidest things imaginable, it really does start to make me question the future of the world and the people who are supposed to inherit it and it makes me cry a little for those who already have inherited it.

Most of the memes I have seen on that site are simply stupid and I have to wonder if the people who wrote them were just fascinated with the fact that they could make a meme in less than the time it thought to come up with something to say on top of a picture. Now, the pick up line Panda has some pretty funny ones, but the rest of the memes are so awful, they make me think there should be some sort of government regulation against being fucking retarded on the internet.  But seeing as its illegal pretty much everywhere to make an ass of your self in public I guess we need somewhere we can just be, um, well "quickmeme" makers or something.

Back when people had to put in some effort in to pics and memes, they were usually ok and sometimes pretty funny.  Now we are inundated with just simple ignorance.  I swear 15 years ago you had to actually have talent and not just copy what you heard on Family Guy or South Park and then paste that quote of a stupid unrelated picture.

Maybe whenever someone uses the quickmeme website and then post the picture somewhere, there should be a label saying "This meme brought to you by a complete moron."   Then again, maybe not.  If you have to be told that someone is a moron then you are probably the moron who posted it in the first place.


I would love to see some funny original memes out there instead of the same old washed up rehashed crap.  Of course, if you are reading this blog, you probably don't bother making memes and are just as annoyed at the over use of them recently.  That or you accidentally stumbled on to it and are now wondering "What the fuck am I reading?" to try and convince yourself you aren't a total lunatic at this point.


I was going to pick a couple from the quickmeme website as references on this post, but after reading a few, I wanted to log off the internet forever so I decided if you really want to know what I am talking about, you can just go to google images and search for quickmeme.  I warn you, you will start to cry blood within 5 minutes if you don't look away.

Crappy feelings?

That feeling you get when you really got to go poop annoys the shit out of me.  You all know what I am talking about.  That grumbly/upset kinda feeling in your guts.  That feeling like if you don't squeeze your cheeks just a little tighter that you will shit on yourself right away.  Those are the feelings I am talking about.

Why as humans have we not evolved to the point where we just "know" its time to go instead of having our guts scream and yell until we give in?  Ever noticed that your intestines are like your annoying sibling on a long car ride?  "I'm not touching you.  I'm not touching you."  That kind of annoying?  Doing everything possible to evoke a response without actually "crossing the line".

(while writing this one, I had the sudden thought "This shit writes itself" and had to giggle) 

 If you are a "creationist" and believe we were created in "god's" image, then I want you to consider 2 things.  First, did "god" really come up with every thing we see, smell, taste, or experience and then decide that our intestines feeling upset was the best way to tell us that we "needed to go"?  Second, can you really picture "god" taking a shit?  Read that last one correctly.  If he/she/it made us to be like him/her/it, then does he/she/it poop too?  Or is he/she/it better than that now?  I by no means am saying I don't believe in God, only that I bet he/she/it doesn't poop.


Also, why is it that sometimes you get the feeling you really gotta go and when you finally sit down to go, all you get is a lot of gas.  Shouldn't our bodies be able to tell the difference between a turd and just gas?  I get it when its all runny, but not when there's solid turd there.


All in all, as I said in the beginning, pooping really annoys the shit out of me.

 

Ozzy Osbourne wants to stick stuff up your butt!

So CBS has been airing a PSA with Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne about getting a colonoscopy.  They will give one lucky winner a free trip to New York to get a free screening, but you will not get to meet Ozzy if you are the winner.  Story found here.

So basically, in a "CBS Cares campaign", you can go to New York, stay in a nice hotel, and get your butt checked if you win a contest.  I'm not trying to pass judgment one way or the other on this.  I just laughed my ass off when I saw the commercial on TV.

It seemed a little strange and slightly deceptive to have Ozzy and Sharon talking about it and mention a sweepstakes were you could win a trip to New York, but no where does it say you could meet them.  It just seemed a little "implied", but not actually said.

I say those freaks need to stay away from my butt.  The only person I want sticking stuff up my butt is either my doctor or my wife.

Today's topic:  Strippers (or grouchy women)

So, a while back one of my co-workers asked me what I was thinking and I said the first thing that came to mind.  I got the strangest looks that I think I have gotten at work so far.  I replied to my co-worker "Why is it that strippers get so pissed when you try to slip a cheeseburger from the dollar menu in their G string?"  I still have no idea where that thought came from, but I'm glad I had it.  It brought a smile to me face.  Still does to be honest.

(There was going to be a pic of a stick figure guy trying to hand

a stick figure stripper a cheeseburger, but I have no artistic talent.

Just use your imagination.)

Let's try a little warped logic here okay?  To a homeless person, a dollar or a cheeseburger is pretty much the same thing except that with a cheeseburger, you have saved them the trip to buy it.  I figure if a dollar is good enough to buy a cheeseburger, why isn't a cheeseburger good enough by itself?  There's logic there right?

Honestly, since I had that random ass thought, I have wanted to take a bag of about 5 cheeseburgers to a strip joint and see what really happens.  Worst case I get thrown out.  Best case, I get to see a stripper get all greasy which is kinda like getting oiled up so it works for me.  That and I have a feeling that a greasy stripper would taste better than an oiled stripper.  It's not like when a stripper shoves your face in her breasts that you haven't stuck your tongue out at some point so if you are going to get a "taste" shouldn't it be a good "taste"?

Seeing the kind of things that have been done with stuff like cucumbers, maybe strippers would be happier if I chose a different kind of food product.  Something like a banana or a cucumber.  Possibly squash?

(Then again, maybe not.)

From what I have heard, most strippers don't appreciate the 1 dollar coins either.  I can't understand why a woman would get so upset when someone is just giving her money for basically nothing.  Okay, yes, the stripper is showing me her almost naked body (or completely naked in some cases), but then again, she is also dancing and every woman I've met loves to go dancing (more or less).  So on that note, shouldn't she just be happy that I am there appreciating her beauty and talent?

Now personally, I have never known anyone who actually went home with a stripper, but supposedly it does happen.  I can only imagine what kind of nightmare that ends up being if the guy can only afford a couple of cheese burgers instead of fillet Mignon.

What's with these people?

I find myself wondering how can adults perform kids shows.  Cartoons I get because its just a voice, but things like the Wiggles, Blue's Clues, and the freaking "Doodlebops" make me question the sanity of the performers.  More than them though are the parents who enjoy watching the shows with their kids too.

Maybe I am just a bad parent, but Steve from Blue's Clues seems to be just a few IQ points short of being on level with the nationally recognized IQ of a retard.  I guess that's what it takes to "connect" with pre-school kids.  The Doodlebops are right there with him, but they have magic on their show which seems to make it even worse in my opinion.  At least I can always believe that Steve is just tripping balls which is why his salt and pepper shaker talk and had a baby named Paprika.

I have done some stupid things before, but I have never been that wasted.

 On the subject of "WTF" are you thinking, how many times have you caught yourself watching a movie or TV show and thought "Nobody is that stupid." and then proceeded to watch the character on the show do something that no person in real life would ever do.  And yet, people who make TV and movies seem to think we identify with these morons and their bad decisions so they keep making this stuff.  Prime example, any old Bond villain.  For fucks sake, you already have him, just shoot his ass and be done with it.  "But NO!  I want to tell you exactly what my plans are and then make some rube goldberg machine that has so many flaws a toddler could escape in order to kill you Mr. Bond." 

(Does anyone smell popcorn?)

When a guy mugs you or car jacks you, they don't come up with some intricate plan, they just put a knife or gun in your face and say "Give me!"  Note the car jacker or mugger almost never gets defeated because his plan was too complicated.  He usually gets caught because he's just stupid.

People running in the woods to get away from the bad guy all deserve to die don't they?  You are a high school track star and the creepy guy is in a wheel chair, but some how he catches up because you tripped on a twig and stubbed your big toe.  Now you can't move at all so you are screwed.  Maybe you should have tried going up some stairs to get away or just run somewhere off the main paved trail you fucking idiot.  Just a thought.  Honestly, I don't know that anyone has ever been chased in the woods by a person on a wheel chair, but I wouldn't put it past TV/movie makers to come up with something that absurd.

I look forward to the day when there is a movie or TV show in which the characters end up in a random situation and they do what a "normal" person would instead of something stupid like taking a life boat from a stranded cruise ship to "go find help".

I guess I will be looking for a LONG TIME.

The Groundhog must DIE!


I live in north Texas and until today, the weather was awesome for about a week.  Then 2 days after that fucking "ground rat" stuck its head out of the ground, it dropped about 20 degrees.  Thursday the high was around 72 degrees and tomorrow (2/5/12 for reference) the high is supposed to be 58 degrees.

Normally I would say that its just usual Texas weather and if you don't like it, wait 5 minutes and it might change, but this time I find the timing with the "ground rat" seeing his shadow a little suspicious.  According to a retarded something or other we are going to have 6 more weeks of winter because a fucking rodent saw his shadow.

I say "No More!"  If I ever find that stupid "ground rat" I will kill him and put an end to his tyrannical weather manipulations.  I say it is cruel and unjust for us to be subject to the whims of a rodent and whether or not he decides to look around or not.  His reign of terror must end!  (I guess we should at least be grateful he's not the president or something.)

Punxsutawney Phil be warned.  I will not reason nor negotiate with a terrorist and that is exactly what you are!  I will have my sunny days of 65-75 degrees outside in the middle of February.  I will grill outside on Valentine's Day in shorts and a T-shirt.  I will laugh as my neighbor mows his yard while I paid someone to mow mine a week ago.

I couldn't come up with any good pics to go with this post, but you can use your imagination.

Historic Cheesy movies? (Taoism Drunkard)

You gotta love a theater with an open bar and has a message that says "Oswald got off easy.  No texting or talking during the movie." with a still picture of a police officer walking between rows of chairs.  Perfect since this is the theater in which Lee Harvey Oswald was found by police.

Went to the old Texas Theater and watched a cheesy kung-foo movie.  The translations were horrible which made it even better.  Phrases like "cherry boys" and "virgin chicken" made it all but impossible to not laugh. 

One character was referred to as "protruded teeth" while a crazy woman chases him around after being told by a witch that to appease her dead husband she must find a man with huge front teeth. 

There was also a creature that was shaped like a 3 foot black ball with 2 legs and 2 antenna.  It looked like a pissed off Pacman and would chomp at people crotches.  One character shoved ears of corn and loaves of bread into its mouth as it chased him.  He finally got pinned against a wall while it chewed on the seat of his pants and he said "You can't have 'That last Banana!".  Just brilliant movie making there.

Just because, here is a youtube link to the beginning of the movie.  It appears you can watch the entire thing on youtube.   Taoism Drunkard pt 1/10

Free cheesy movie at 9 PM on Tuesday is well worth the drive to Oak Cliff.

Auto Moronic Much?

Like many other people, I have things on my mind and want others to be subjected to them, but I don't really have any friends so I figured reading comments from trolling idiots on the internet would be almost as much fun as having a friend tell me "Man, You really need help!"

If you have made it this far, you are either really bored or expecting something to shock and disturb you.  I will try my best.

I found myself wondering the other day why is it called "auto erotic asphyxiation" because every time I hear about it on the news, there's always someone else there so it technically wasn't "auto" although I guess up until those last few seconds it was kind of erotic.  What is it about the "partners" in these situations that they just leave when someone dies? Maybe once they've been paid, they have upheld their end of the bargain.

Of course I also wonder if the partner of the dead person continues to have sex after the asphyxiation part of the escapade without knowing the other person is dead, does that make them a necrophiliac?  I guess technically it does.

It amazes me that the people who do this sort of thing seem to miss a simple fact.  They could easily achieve the same basic feeling by doing something like the vascular neck restraint that cops use without cutting off their oxygen supply and therefore NOT DIE while still getting what they wanted.

Of course, if they keep it up, we will eventually quit hearing about it I guess.  So you sick guys out there, "keep it up".  At least until the blood stops flowing anyway.