Another one of those days.......

I am nothing

I am having another one of those days where I just don't seem to care much about anything.  As such, I decided to post the link above to a sad song with a good beat you kind of want to dance to.

I don't know what is causing me to have these repeated days where I feel down and bleh.  Maybe its a sign I need to move my fat ass and get some exercise.  Maybe its a sign I need therapy.   Maybe its just that with the exception of a couple of friends and my family (wife and kids), I really am just as alone as I feel.  (This last idea seems to be more on point than I think many people are willing to admit.)

I've spent most of my life hiding and suppressing feelings I have just so I can carry on to whatever the next thing might be.  Ignoring feelings of loneliness is a bad thing because they can fester and become a serious issue later on.  However, in the short term, being able to not focus on the things that are bringing me down and being able to focus on other things like work or eating or playing a video game have gotten me this far.  I have a feeling that living like that will continue to last me until I die.

I'll leave this post with some of the lyrics from the song posted above:

Falling victim from neglect
Designed thoughts and intellect
Forgotten and displaced
The crux of my dismay

I feel nothing
I am nothing
I feel nothing
I am nothing

How deep I descend?
Until I reach my end?
How deep I descend?

How deep I descend?
Until I reach my end?
How deep I descend?

Deeper into this abyss
Weighted down and sinking fast
Life did not offer me
More than false destiny

EDIT:

 So I figured out what set off the depression and the original post.  There is someone at work that I would like to be friends with and said person is friendly to me, but only when I actively interact with her.  If I don't start a conversation with her or I am not part of a group that she is interacting with already, she seems to intentionally try to show indifference to me.  If I make a joke, she will laugh.  If I say hello to her, she will say hello back to me.  However, if I sit there minding my own business, she won't start any conversation with me.  She will walk up and start a conversation with pretty much everyone else at work, but she doesn't seem to care if I am there or not.  I've been nice to her.  I've given her compliments and even bought her food once just because she had never had food from where I was going and I wanted to do something nice for her (I will bring other people food all the time because that's just the person I am).

The reason this set me off on a "downward spiral" earlier is because I picked up on the indifference, but I didn't realize that's what it was nor did I realize at first that I was feeling it from this person.  Hopefully at this point, I can ignore her indifference towards me and just accept it as a personality trait rather than something based in ill will towards me.

 

Loneliness has never been more comforting

I don't care anymore

So I was talking with my wife earlier today about something important in our lives and her response to me upset me.  She was justified and correct to respond like she did.  I'm not upset with her for her reactions to the things I said.  What is bothering me now is that reaction caused me to feel depressed and I wanted to talk to one of my friends about it.  It was then that I realized I didn't have any friends I could talk to about it.

I know I have friends, but for over 15 years, the only person I have been able to talk to about pretty much anything has been my wife and no one else.  Unlike most people, I don't have family or close friends that I can call and talk to about stuff when I don't want to talk to my wife about something.  

Since that is the way I have lived most of my life, it shouldn't come as a shock to me, but when you are depressed and realize you are 34 years old and there's really only 1 person you can turn to, it comes as a real shock.

Hopefully for anyone who actually sees this, you won't think I need to seek therapy or something.  Although that is probably true, I just wanted to write about the fact that sometimes a person can feel really lonely and that feeling by itself can be enough to perpetuate further depression.  There have been many times in the past that I have almost committed suicide (before I met my wife) because I started to feel a little down and the more I tried to bring myself out of it, the further down I went because I didn't have anyone to turn to.  That is not the case this time.  This time, the feeling just hit kind of hard because I am really tired since I didn't sleep well before I woke up today.

If you find yourself in a similar situation where you wish you could talk to someone, but can't seem to find anyone to talk to, I can only say I wish you the best of luck and make it past what ever troubles you.  If you know someone who struggles with something like what I am going through right now, make sure they know they can call you.  Just knowing someone is there can be enough to turn the day around and brighten someones otherwise darkened day.

And remember........